Time stands still

I am still overwhelmed that my stay in chemoland is so long-112 days and I've been in it only 5 days. I feel vaguely queasy but it doesn't stop me from getting very hungry. I have to be very careful as my exercise options are becoming more limited-lots of snow outside and cold. I would be running if there was a clear path. I would use the exercise bicycle if Steve knew how to fix it.

So I am glad I am not very tired and I really don't feel so bad. Mostly I am just sad. I still occasionally play the 'what did I do to deserve this?' game even though intellectually I know nothing I've done caused this. On one of the blogs I've read (not on my 3 favorites), a woman writes how the week before she was diagnosed she noticed she wasn't charged for a $20 item at Target and didn't do anything to rectify the situation so when she finds she has cancer soon after, she assumes it to be Karma.

I did spend some time talking to Naomi about the situation. She for the most part, just finds the cancer thing annoying and an excuse for me to get out of doing stuff for her that she wants. Not much sympathy here. She did ask if this meant that she was going to get cancer too. I said I didn't think so-my case seems to be a random piece of bad luck. My cancer is completely different than my mom's breast cancer, which was probably fueled by 20 years of HRT but readily treatable. Alot of TNBC is due to BRAC1 genes but I don't fit that profile as I am much older than most BRAC1 and TNBC and have no family history-there are old relatives in every branch of my family. I am selfishly hoping that my older age spares me the very aggressive path TNBC can take in younger women but I still can't find any data to back that up.

She will not be leaving to go off to school when she graduates. When I was her age, I was counting the days that I could leave the house. I asked if this bothered her that she isn't going off to have fun in some school like her peers. She said, are you kidding? You know I wouldn't know what to do with anything. I can't leave.

Definitely have to work on her independence.

Jan came over to watch movies. She is very sensitive to smells. Unfortunately my elderly pug Spud is pretty stinky no matter how much I wash him. He likes company and will waddle over to any new face in the house. She started going on and on how much he smells and starts fanning the air with a newspaper. This usually drives me crazy but I didn't say anything until yesterday. I just barked at her to please stop that as it was getting on my nerves. I then blamed the chemo for my testiness.

We saw "Baby Mama'-mildly amusing and the rest of those silly vampire shows on HBO that Jan likes so much but I find really stupid.

Josh dressed up as Santa Claus for Julia's customers to have a picture of their pet with Santa at the dog store. He will come over here today.

The older kids have been calling me alot which I makes me feel good. Oliver seems to be doing well. They will start the long drive here on the 19th. I have to find a new crib for him soon as I've borrowed the portable one from Shanna's sister-in-law for so long.