Wednesday, May 16, 2012


Which is worse? Certainty of something awful or mere suspicion?

I've been told twice that I had lumps that were probably breast cancer. In the first case I was told (after a very long interval) that it probably was not; the second time it was most definitely BC. Did I feel any different once I knew the truth? Strangely I did not, not even relief in the first case. I have honestly felt more relief finding missing keys. I was so upset about the suspicion that actually finding out it was true didn't change my overall feelings. I had grieved already.

Yesterday this played out again but not with me and not with cancer. Something felt terribly wrong but there was no proof. Proof surfaced yesterday but awful as the truth is, there was an element of relief, that someone was actually right. Suspicion can eat a hole right through your heart.

It was awful news but by the time I went to comfort my grieving child, a plan was already hatched to get through this.

Years ago, a choice had to be made between A or B. I suggested that there was a third option: C, the unknown but if it really was between A or B, I would select B. A was selected. Not my call, I was merely providing input based on my instinct. But yesterday I hear, Shoulda chosen B.

Yeah I am being really vague here. Not all who need to know have been told yet. It really is sad news and it will be even sadder for some others. It makes my petty argument with Steve look....well very petty.


Holly said...

totally get what you are saying here Sue - have felt exactly the same way about "good" lumps and "bad" lumps. sometimes having one's suspicions or intuitions confirmed is not comforting...

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

No Holly, it is not comforting although the speculation phase is over. It just seems that the impact of the bad news is dulled somewhat.

I am sorry to hear about your
concussion. Hope it heals quickly. So Nate had a date (what a poet). How did that go?

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