Monday, August 1, 2011

The Shrine

I have a hard time letting things go, figuratively and literally. We watch those hoarding shows occasionally together. How can people let things get so out of control? And I look around at clothes I keep because maybe someday I will fit into them and maybe if I just replace this zipper..have I ever replaced a zipper? And the kids' clothes, these are too cute to give away..certainly one of them can fit into them again. I have given the kids plenty of warnings to sort through their stuff. I am happy to report that I did fill 9 huge bags the other day and set them outside for charity. Now if we can just work on diminishing the TV collection. All of them work but they are not flat screens.

Josh's room is much like it was when he was living here. It is the only room (aside from the 3 be done this fall!!!)that has not been redone since we moved here 28 years ago. To his collection of trophies on his shelves, I've added Naomi's. My trophies and maybe a few of Steve's are boxed up somewhere. There are still his basketball posters and posters that had been up in his school hall that announced his soccer games back in 1999. When I can't sleep, annoyingly often, I retreat to his room at night to read so there is a sizable collection of just reads and to be reads piled up next to the bed. I have emptied his drawers but have left his closet alone except occasionally to search for somethings that my grandboys might like. On his ceiling, I had painted the constellations with glow-in the dark paint to amuse him as a small child. He had had trouble sleeping in total darkness. He slept with his plastic sword, still in the closet. His 'weapons' gave him some comfort but he was too embarrassed at the time to tell  me what they might be good for. I have taken down the teddy bear stuff. We changed the mattress to something more comfortable for me. Underneath the old one was his cache of forbidden teenage objects and substances that he didn't think to remove. I liked to think that there were few secrets between us but I guess there are always some things that he chose to keep to himself.

Julia again is gone. I had driven her to the airport Friday as asked. For a change, she had asked me to do this herself. She is not above making requests of me but always they go through Josh even for the smallest of things. She will be lost somewhere and will call Josh to call me to ask what to do. For big things, he always intervenes like Can she move into your lower level? when he was away for school himself or Can you pay off her massive debt? This has been added to his 'tab' which is slowly being repaid.. When she is gone, he spends more time with us. We had lunch Saturday. When Julia is around, the four of us go out but she isn't, just Josh and I go. Steve came the other day because I felt bad leaving him out but when I was undergoing treatment, he knew it was important for me to be alone with Josh. Josh came by yesterday while we were out escaping our dark, hot, humid powerless house. Our phone no longer worked (though the cells do). Josh took the opportunity to wander through the house into his old room. I have threatened to remodel it but it distressed him. He wants it to be the same. Yesterday he went into the closet. Many of his old toys are there which somehow comforted him. When he called later to report this, I mentioned that I have been decluttering and I considered giving the toys away. Noooooooo.
Well I can have my grandsons play with them I guess.

The question of the day or maybe of the last few months:

Whose wedding is this?

While planning this wedding, which is coming up alarmingly very soon, there were many times that I should have said No but did not. No you do not need this fancy dress. No you don't need this specially ordered tiara. No you needn't invite people I know you rarely see (and yet they are coming). No all these babies shouldn't be coming. No we don't need to rent round tables when the venue has rectangular tables for free.

I finally said No to something yesterday and got a very predictable response. I had wondered if I should just do what I think is right and let her discover at the very last minute that I betrayed her when she would not be in a position to do anything about it. But I told her. Josh said he would intervene which he did. She called back in a much better state and seems to accept the unilateral decision gracefully.

Why can't I say No to her? one might ask. Partly because I know how hard life will be for her even if she has not grasped that yet. I do want her to be happy and self-sufficient. What could I have done and what can I do to make things better?

The power outage was annoying. Some of my readers are dealing with so much troubles right now that I feel so petty grumbling about such minor issues. After we had wandered around in air conditioned stores and restaurants, we returned to our house. I read in the cooler basement without much light. I finished my autism book. Grandlin makes many interesting observations on what is normal and desirable. She imagines the highly socialized "normal'  cavemen sitting around with each other uselessly while the less social  are off inventing arrowheads, fire, what have you. Naturally. I saw little parts of myself in her descriptions. Where am I on this spectrum? As a child, I was painfully aware that I was different. I caught on to most things easily in school but some of my interpersonal interactions were very clumsy and embarrassing to think about. Yet I craved them so I guess I am not too far down on this spectrum.

No comments:


Blog Archive