Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Second guessing

Five years from now, I am sure that TNBC will be treated differently. There are so many tumor markers to sort out and target. For the estrogen positive folks, there is a company that figures out what markers you have, correllates them with the risk of metastasis, and gives you a risk category so you can decide if chemo is worth it. To my knowlegde, this isn't done with TNBC. There are markers, each associated with some risk, but if you have a tumor of any size, chemo is highly recommended. The marker they have the most data on is VEGF, which is responsible for the tumor getting a blood supply. There is a drug out there, Avastin, which is approved for metastatic breast cancer, that targets it. There are on-going clinical trials to see if it is helpful in early stage tnbc. There is a woman living in Ann Arbor with TNBC diagnosed the same time as me with a similar tumor that is treated at the other cancer center on it. I am annoyed this wasn't offered to me and that my tumor wasn't checked for this factor. Tumors with large amounts of this factor are very bloody-dense capillaries. I did ask the surgeon if my tumor was particularly bloody. No. But actually she doesn't know as she probably didn't cut right through it. Need to read (and have!!) that pathology report.
Physically I don't feel so bad. We were able to take a 2 mile walk yesterday although the slippery weather today, will make a walk difficult. I drank a little coffee today though I feel a little queasy. I have no more working oil glands due to chemo and my abrupt estrogen depletion (threw the Prem-Pro away the minute I found out I had a tumor) so I have to slather on lotions constantly.
I openned my e-mail this morning to find a very troubling one from the school. Naomi is up to her lying tricks again. I had a talk with her last night and she made me feel that everything was under control. I cannot have any peace of mind while this is going on. So unfair of her! So unfair I have cancer and a demon child! Sometimes I can forget I have the cancer, although hard when I am exhausted, pukey, and bald. I can tell myself that this misery is just temporary and that a year from now or sooner, it will be just an unpleasant memory like my broken arm. I do know from others that are now there that there is no peace because the monster can come back but with some self-delusion, I might be able to ignore it. Naomi has to be dealt with now and it is so incredibly hard.
I am also sensitive to probably imaginary slights. One of my 'followers' has cut me off. I don't know if I was too positive, too negative or too boring. It really shouldn't bother me.


S. F. Heron said...

Quit worrying about stepping on other people's toes. YOU are sick, YOU are in pain, YOU are going through a living nightmare. I gave up the fancy-speak a month after this started and I tell it like it is. If it's too hard to take, then tough.

I remember earlier in your blog where you attacked the cliches. The whole BC thing is a cliche. Pink and battle and mountain and whatever. Stupid to say it'll be OK when it doesn't feel like it will be.

I can offer nothing except my virtual shoulder. If those around you are hyper sensitive, then that isn't good for you. BC has a way of ringing your bell hard enough to make sugar-coating anything a complete waste of time. Others need to make allowances for you, not their own sensibilities.

Remember the cancer rant you posted from Craigslist? Could anything be more true? We're living it.

You wanna know something funny? The word verification on your blog says to put in the word "hotta" before I submit this comment. I couldn't be feeling anything further from "hotta" if I tried!!

:) Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Hi honey -
You're right, life is difficult enough without cancer. I'm so proud of you for still getting out and walking.


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