Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The world doesn't stop just because you have cancer

I have been having a problem being that happy cancer warrior that has entered that state of grace being thankful for every second of life that I live beyond the diagnosis. Also, sadly, there really isn't any cancer card to play as in "I have cancer so I can say what I want and you have to do what I want because I might not be around..." I realize how manipulative those words are and what a low blow it is but it didn't stop me from uttering them anyway. Every marriage has its problems. We had come to a tacit understanding that there are certain issues that are there but to keep peace, we never, never discuss them. Once burnt, twice shy..or in my case twenty times burnt....I don't think Steve reads this as I didn't tell him of its existence and divorce would be certain if I mention 'the problem' but suffice it to say, the problem reared its ugly head again and instead of ignoring it per usual, I thought I'd deal with it carrying my cancer card and instead was hit with denial, extreme anger, and the silent treatment. This silent treatment usually lasts a week and so far the cancer card isn't giving me any reprieve. Suffice it to say, I am in a hole which is filling up with more negative thoughts.

All is not doom and gloom although a good part of me feels it is but I need to focus beyond that. Josh called yesterday saying his big talk was a success. He has had sleepless nights for the past 4 days and is very relieved. My cousin Wendy sent me a thoughtful gift, thank you so much. Also I am slowly amassing some 'breast friends' on the internet who've gone through this mess. The weather is cool and sunny, perfect for running. I am back to running awkwardly holding myself (as discreetly as possible) as my containment system rubbed my node wound open. Tomorrow I go to the surgeon for my consult. The wound is making it difficult for me to shave, which I find embarrassing.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue,
I feel your pain. Cancer is too hard on the fighter, but it is also too hard on the fighter's family and friends. It can seem like to much to bear, and sometimes it is.

I had eight chemo sessions. Four AC, then four T.

Thinking good thoughts for you,


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