Thursday, October 6, 2016

the view through a dark filter

dahlia: a bright spot with many of my flowers destroyed by disease. My impatiens survived last year but I reused a pot that must have contained spores from 2 years ago so all of the impatiens in back are gone. Plus I have my annual petunia wasting disease so my pretty gardens I took so much pride in are now ugly
fake flower wreath. I do like it though
I haven't bought anything in a resale shop in a month. This set me back $1.50. I notice the studio sells similar ones in a gallery for $36

Our local paper's idea of news is to tally the arrests and ejections from each home football game. Who cares? Its other news consists of crime reporting which invites 'the basket of deplorables' to comment on the race of the perpetrators. Reading these comments fills me with despair. And now Trump is bringing racism out of the closet. It is OK to hate openly. I thought for sure his fan base would be put off by the fact he does not pay taxes but no, they applauded his cleverness But the big mystery to me is that he will do nothing for his fan base. They love him but he does not love them back.

Back to the news: an 18 year old man was found shot dead two days ago on the block that my granddaughter spends 3 nights a week at. Don'tae has 2 18 year old half-brothers. Could the 18 year old be one of them? I just saw one of them the other day as I picked up Maya to take her to Allie's 3rd birthday party. I haven't seen him in 5 years and of course, he has grown up. We had him over several times as Don'tae takes him  in on the weekends instead of his father. He is a shy, polite kid. When I picked Maya up,I  also saw Don'tae's youngest sister, now a mother of 2 little girls. The oldest, 3, was born the same weekend along with Allie and another brother's child. Who gains 3 cousins in one weekend from 3 different mothers? This cousin was about half the size of Allie. News was slow to trickle in about the 18 year old's identity who turns out not to be Don'tae's sibling.Some of the 'basket of deplorables' were gleeful as now there is just one less probable thug though for a change, some went online to try to shame these assholes. The boy was an honor student. Was this random violence or was he especially sought out Will my grandchild be caught in the crossfire? When Don'tae and Naomi were still together, they could only afford to live in very sketchy places which worried me constantly. Thus the condo was purchased in a safe neighborhood (my former neighborhood) associated with a good school. But where Maya spends some of her nights is now out of my control.

Ann Arbor gets about 2 murders a year so this was big news.

So what sent me on this downward spiral in which I can't see anything good and feel so, so alone. Who can I talk to? Steve forgets to buy me the one thing I asked for and I burst into tears. So trivial but I see it as a slight. Everything seems a slight. I looked forward to a friend's visit this weekend but her plans had changed. I was kept up in the air for awhile; phone calls unanswered, finally a terse text that bit my head off (seemingly though it was followed quickly by one apologizing for the negative tone). I was sure (am I?) that there were good reasons but all I felt was hurt.
And I can not love myself. I have ballooned into this huge creature without me   noticing. I cannot exercise any more than I do; hours and hours a week. And who calls me? My kids only when they need something.

Yeah I know I am not seeing things straight. I actually am rarely depressed though I spent my senior year of college in such a dark place. And then finally the dark lifted. I hope this is just a short phase.

Do I wallow in this? I have been for the past 5 days. It is pretty out I have been exercising still. I have cut out alcohol so maybe some of this is withdrawal. Also gone, no eating between meals, which now are very Spartan affairs. I no longer keep myself ignorant about my weight which is now down to the point before I began my month of entertaining and being entertained, which meant eating. I have not discussed this with Steve though he must have noticed something going on and said he will eat only what I eat so I won't feel bad about him feasting while I starve. I rarely cry but I feel on the verge of tears for the tiniest of reasons. and the reasons are tiny or at least fixable (for the most part; a  part sadly is not). Do I tell a friend that is struggling to breathe why I am sad? Hell no.

this too shall pass.


Anonymous said...

Sue, you are not alone. I decided to eat less, no snacking, little alcohol, still need to exercise-I am at my heaviest! When the weather changed and Fall arrived I felt the way you did. It dawned on me that perhaps I should up my vitamin d and it seems to have helped me.This election doesnt help my mood. Then my gyn "felt" something and in I went for a pelvic ultrasound-did I win the trifecta for reproductive cancers? Like you, no one to talk with-yesterday I found out all was well. Relief!
Just wanted you to know you are not alone and I wish your days to be calm, enjoyable and healthy! Kris

Elephant's Child said...

I am so sorry.
I am always appalled at how fast and easy it is to plummet into the dark abyss. And how hard the climb out is.
Take care.

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

Thanks so much for your words of understanding EC and Kris. They do help. Yes this election is very troubling. It is depressing how little critical thinking a large part of America has and how so eager they are to find scapegoats. Shades of the Nazism.

And Kris, I am glad you did not win that Trifecta' you 'won' enough already.


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