The Wall

Our driveway faces a cul-de-sac. Sometimes as the city clears the entrance to it, it pushes the snow in front of my driveway. Monday afternoon I diligently cleared everything out to the narrow clear lane in the street. It wasn't easy given the uselessness of my right arm but I did it. A friend Monday night told me about the wall. While it was still soft, I should have taken it down but I was tired and had a guest. By yesterday morning, it froze solid effectively sealing me in. It was so thick and high that it probably could last for another month. Until the sun softenned it (fortunately it was out), it would be impossible to do anything about it. I ran a 10K. It was pretty out with all the trees laden with snow and comfortable as it was 30 deg.

The Wall was by then showing some signs of softening. I hacked away at it for more than an hour with a sharp metal shovel. I was so mad. So unfair for the city to do this to me when I am all alone and now effectively am one-armed due to cancer!!!! It hurt my right arm to use it. The city has some law about not putting the snow back out into the street but I certainly was not going to carefully pile it up now. I flung it bit by bit back into the street with tears of rage thinking very dark thoughts about how cancer walls you off from the world.

Once I finally freed myself, did I go anywhere? No I was exhausted. Did I really need to do this? I could walk to the store (1.5 mile round trip) or demand Naomi come and bring me things. I could have had Josh stop by after work with all his carefully groomed muscles attack the Wall in a fraction of the time. Or I could wait 24 hours and have Steve do it. I'm sure he would be thrilled after driving back from NYC. As it is, snow removal is something he really thinks is useless as it will melt sometime anyway. And now it is snowing hard again. No clear streets for me but I can go to the Y.

I wasn't totally isolated. Throughout the day, I heard from all my kids and my daughter-in-law. The last one was a surprise for me as usually she asks me for things through Josh, never directly. I am not really that scary, really.
And Ms. Naomi called panicky as she saw a spot of blood! But it was one spot and the baby was still kicking strong. It made me feel guilty. In the beginning when I thought or hoped that she was only a few weeks pregnant, I wished for a miscarriage. But now even though I think she is ill-prepared to be a mother, I know losing the baby would absolutely crush her. She thinks her purpose in life is to be this baby's mother and doesn't want to listen to me about how hard it will be.

Next week will be Baby Bootcamp. Two babies to prepare Naomi for motherhood! She says she just needs to help take care of Daniel, the 6 month old (who at his check-up yesterday weighed as much as Naomi at a year) as she said she will only have one baby to take care of. If only that will be true!!! I pointed out that she needs to know how to deal with toddlers too. But she is just thinking baby at this point-not toddlers or heaven forbid-teenagers!!!

I watched "The Painted Veil". An excellent but sad movie. I fell asleep watching the ice skating. Steve will return at some point today. He stopped in the middle of PA last night. Hopefully this snow clears up before he has to drive in it.