Thursday, February 2, 2012

My Life of Magical Thinking

In honor of Groundhog's day

How do I define magical thinking?

Having at least one the following beliefs:
  1. If I think it, it will happen. This pertains to both positive and negative events.
  2. If I don't think it, it won't happen.
  3. If it hasn't happened yet, it won't happen.
  4. If I leave it alone, it will go away on its own.
  5. If we don't discuss it, it doesn't exist.
Steve is especially fond of reducing #3 and #4 to practice much to my continual frustration. The game of gasoline roulette as discussed previously is a favorite of his. He still likes to play it even though we have lost in inconvenient places. #5 is practiced by both of us to maintain peace.

But despite being Suzie  Skeptical Scientist, I have been guilty too many times of #1. My main indulgence was in the distant past when I tried to effect the attention of the love interest du jour by merely thinking positive thoughts. This actually worked in several cases. But fate is cruel and loves to laugh in my face; by the time my wishes came true, I was no longer interested. In one case, there was a 5 year gap between desire and the chance of fulfillment.

The object of my obscure desire (OOD):

Right before my last year of college, my relationship with my fiance PC (now only one  of my readers knows what that stands for) dissolved. Even though this was for the best in so many ways, I had difficulty accepting this and was quite distraught. I refused to move on and was mired in self-pity. A few months later, I zeroed in on a man that I thought might bring me happiness. I want him, only he will make the whole PC thing liveable. I really didn't know much about OOD nor did I ever treat him in a way to encourage him. But I wanted him. And through the power of magical thinking, this time in a reasonable time frame, I had him..sort of.
On some levels we connected; on other levels we did not at all. Over the next couple of year, he would go in and out of my life telling me that he would be gone for good this time and then appear again. He said he would want to make things better this time but we ended up not being able to understand each other. Finally he left town though he surfaced the night that Josh was to be conceived.

OOD has an unusual name. A few weeks ago, I googled him and there he was all over the place complete with his opinions on everything. Maybe I can understand him now from afar. He is dying now of a neurodegenerative disease, albeit slowly as he has had the disease for at least 12 years. He is an activist of sorts. A coincidence ( I almost typed in irony; my life is chock full of irony but I guess coincidence is most apt in this case) is that my grubby little hands synthesized a potential cure for this crappy disease. It ameliorated the symptoms in rats at least but in humans it caused unacceptable side effects.

Back in the land of wishful thinking, be careful what you wish for, I am taking a break from running so that I can concentrate on getting ready for the cruise. The biggest problem: footwear. Shoes just take up so much space. I am also finished up a photobook. I have purchased so many of these Groupon and its ilk deals, I am losing track of them. I know this one will expire as soon as I get back from my trip. This one features my trips to England and Canada. Eventually I want to have complete childhood books of each of the kids but as everything is non-digital, this involves lots of scanning and organizing.

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