Happy Birthday Shayna Shanna!!!

Relaxing before the wedding

Just graduated from high school

As a freshman for Coming home dance

As a 9 year old. She always hated the short hair but she was so cute

Age 3 with Dad and baby brother Josh

Age 3 months

It is so hard to believe that today Shanna turns 30! I must be old, right? I was so looking forward to having her. Her due date was July 5th and the days after that seemed really to drag. At one point, I even went in for an induction as my blood pressure was out of control but it didn't work.

She was a very easy cheerful baby who was content to just watch the world go by. I worried that she wasn't hitting all those developmental milestones but was relieved when she began to speak at an early age. She was a very clever girl loving to read voraciously at an early age. We went through some rough patches in middle school but then she decided to apply herself and did very well in high school and college. We have very similar tastes in books and movies even though our personalities are quite different. I really enjoy being with her. Now she is concentrating on being the best mom possible to her almost 18 month son Oliver and to her other son that will be born in 7 weeks. I was very proud to be with her as she was in labor with Oliver. She is a fantastic, loving mother and daughter. I am so happy that I had her. Happy Birthday, Shoshanna!

The great chemo hair lottery

Even people who have not had cancer seem to be aware that after you lose your hair to chemo, it could come back different than what you had before chemo. It could come back better, maybe less gray, they say hopefully.I liked my old hair (apparently I am alone in that) but I'll take any hair at this point. I seem to be a loser in this hair lottery. It is black and silver. The ends are starting to curl a bit. I put gel in it so every last mm could be seen-about 30 mm at its longest which would be this ridge on the top of my scalp. Think modified mohawk. Yesterday at the Y I ran into a winner in the hair lottery. Ann had gray streaks before chemo but now her hair is a uniform chocolate brown. I won't even have to dye it. Her hair was the same length as mine now on my last day of radiation. She had an appointment right before me on the same machine. That day they took an hour of positioning xrays on her while I stewed though at least I was free to move around unlike her.

I assumed she had dyed it since it is so mono chromatic. She is hoping to get better boobs too. I wish her well: she has gone through alot, much more than myself so she deserves a few breaks.
I meet women who swear up and down they had straight blonde hair but now it is black and curly.

There was an article today saying that women with migraines have 70% less breast cancer. It is surmised that hormones have something to do with it. I had migraines briefly as a teen. Every morning, I would get a stabbing pain in my right temple. It would last 15-30 minutes then go away. Life during this brief time was horrible. The migraines disappeared after I started birth control pills, which I took to mitigate very bad cramps. I had read about the birth control pills being good for cramps while I was in high school. I pointed this out to my mom but she said something inane about then I wouldn't have consequences if I had sex. Thanks, I guess I'll just writhe in agony instead. But as soon as I could, I got my meathooks on some and my life of pain was over. I am assuming these migraine sufferers just get less estrogen positive BC.

I was able to extend my run to 7 miles this morning. My cardiovascular system is improving faster than my skeletal system. I am sore but my muscle tone is much better. I've lost 14 lbs now-still alot to go but isn't so jiggily.

more flowers

Red calla lily Somehow red does not photograph well

This variety of snapdragon is called 'angel face' but the little faces look very angry

My rooster is still growing. The ugly little knobs should turn into flowers soon

Naomi showing off her skinny jeans

Last week I bought a 'hardy' hibiscus with big burgundy blossoms. Hardy to Zone 5, the tag said. What zone are we? Well, for my neck of the woods, zone 6a. The warmest part of Michigan is 6b, a small area around Lake St. Clair. Most of the county I live in is Zone 5 except where I live so my hibiscus should survive.

As much as I hate Naomi driving, the car is a great motivational tool. The other day I had some chores for her to do before she could use the car. I didn't notice until she was gone that she didn't do it so for now, she isn't among the driving. But I have plans! Well those plans will have to include either walking or the bus. But the bus is so ghetto!!!!

While running a while back, I found a bus token. I was disappointed that it wasn't a quarter. Over the years I have found close to $100 while running-a fifty dollar bill wadded aside the road accounting for most of my booty. I gave her the token and showed her how to read a bus schedule-the bus runs behind our house. But with most of the punishments I mete out, I end up suffering too. She couldn't get back so I had to pick her up. I had to drive her to the doctor's today.

Lazy days of summer. We had a nice lunch the other day with my son and his wife. The latter just got a promotion. The economy has not been kind to her. The business that she had worked for a year ago went bankrupt. She and her business partner had started a pet pawtisserie too that they had to close due to the bad conditions here.

The weather is cool and dry but my legs are sore from all the running. I haven't wore my wig in a week but my hair is still very short. My body is getting stronger; the chemo nails have almost grown out just my spirit really hasn't recovered. It doesn't take much to make me sad.

Bioidentical hormones

In the beginning of the year, I watched Oprah (I rarely do) because Suzanne Sommers was on touting the benefits of bioidentical estrogens, the more the better. This is a woman who survived estrogen dependent breast cancer by sucking up miseltoe extract. Not one word was said about the dangers of them, the only concern a physician made was that these particular compounded materials are not tested for safety or purity and that there are FDA approved forms that one can obtain from a conventional pharmacy. Read Susan Love's Breast book. The number one risk factor for estrogen dependent breast cancer is ONES OWN ESTROGENS.(Of course the jury is still out on what the risk factors are for triple negative bc aside from BRAC1 gene defects). The whole show made me angry as so many people respect what Oprah has to say and she acted like Ms. Sommers was the second coming. The 'bioidentical' hormones haven't even been tested for purity much less in clinical trials to see if they increase breast cancer incidence. I do have friends on these who are deluded (sorry friends but I do care about you)into thinking that they are safe because they are 'natural' (made from plant sources not mare's urine).



In my 2 person support group yesterday, the woman there had been on them and reported to her physician (!!?)that she had a lump under her arm. Oh that's nothing, I just think you need some more progestrones.
Six months later, it had gotten bigger and she went to someone else who diagnosed it as cancer. It had spread to her nodes. She's been out of treatment for 6 months. She had the same chemo as I except for the addition of herceptin. She lost her eyelashes 3 times after chemo was finished. Hope this does not happen to me. Losing them once was traumatic enough.

Waited for a storm to past before running in the hot humid conditions this morning. 28 miles this week. Waiting to go out to lunch with Josh.

Hair in public

Aunt Naomi with Oliver a month ago. He will be back in a few weeks with his parents. His mom, Shanna, just finished Week 31 of pregnancy with his little brother.

Grandpa Steve with the precious one

Oliver enjoying his corn

Oliver going for a drive


On top, my hair might be an inch and a half now. I've been putting in gel so it will appear longer. Excepting when I am out running, I've been wearing the wig as I really feel nude without much hair. I'm not a particularly modest person: I don't make great pains to hide my body when dressing in locker rooms even though my body isn't anything to be proud of in its puffy state (less puffy now) but I didn't want anyone to see my bald head. No it is not deformed as I have been asked. Early on in my baldness (Week two)at the Look Good, Feel better program, it was suggested that I remove my cap as it would make it easier to put on the make-up. No way even though I was amongst the newly bald. Actually the cold air on my scalp made it painfully cold. Seven months later, my scalp has had plenty of time to toughen up and I am not bald anymore. This week I've been going out now with my new hair. My first trip, the cancer cooking class in which the people there were very supportive and complimentary (It's about time!!!several people said). Yesterday I was among non-cancer people out and about with my petite spikes and didn't get too many stares or gasps so maybe I will retire the wig as it is uncomfortable. It does keep the mosquitoes out of my ears though. Pesky things though the no rain this week has diminished them thankfully.

I'm not running today to rest the legs though I will work out with weights later. This morning is the breast cancer support group followed by the all cancer lunch. Cancer, cancer, cancer.

Cooking to prevent cancer

When one is finished with treatment, sometimes one feels helpless on what to do to prevent the beast from returning. You 're finished with the slash/poison/burn triathlon, what to do next? Well we can control what we eat and there is plenty of evidence that our diets could have contributed to our cancer, but what to eat?
Every month at the local Wellness community, they have a cooking class taught by a 2 time breast cancer survivor. Her two occurrences were completely different cancers so the 2nd was not a recurrence. She has a degree in nutrition so people had plenty of questions for her. I heard that milk contains something carcinogenic. No I heard it was all right just as long as it was skim. Spenda caused cancer, use Stevia. No that's bad too. Can't have this, what's the research on this and that? What's the deal with soy if you are estrogen positive? On and on. Finally a woman said Enough! I had grandparents who lived into their nineties eating meat, everything covered with butter, smoking pipes, and they didn't die of cancer. I ate 'good' and now I have Stage 4 breast cancer. Trust me when I say I don't care what my cholestrol numbers are.


She was the woman that visited my LiveStrong class. She had BC 10 years ago. A week before the 10th anniversary, she investigated why her leg hurt so much. Bone mets. She was treated with Zometa. Just last month, she's found that the bone mets are more extensive and now, besides numerous spots in the bones are in her lungs and liver though she still feels OK. Another woman there is on her 3rd recurrence for lung cancer but this time, the new tumor is wrapped around her heart. Then we have the ladies who had non-aggressive bc 10 and 13 years ago but are still afraid it might come back. In the middle are M and myself with our own nasty beast which for now, seems to be at bay. Another woman had almost an identical story as my friend from the other day with Stage 4 lymphoma but everything is now clear.

We try to control what we can. Who knows if it will help but at least we tried.

Today was the last semi-cool day for a while so I ran for a record amount of time (at least for the past 2 years) without stopping even though I think I am getting shin splints. One of the moms and I had a pleasant lunch outside at the Sidetrack and then went to see all the beautiful flowers at the botanical gardens.

Wake up call

I had lunch yesterday with someone who is 5 years out from a diagnosis of a virulent stage 4 large cell lymphoma. She was given very little chance of survival but she is here and healthy. She said that both of us had wake-up calls (although her wake-up call was much, much louder)and she wondered what I have learned from this and how am I going to do things differently. Hmmmm..gee I don't know. I am trying to be healthy, running more, eating less junk and more good stuff, trying not to sweat the small stuff (trying..)not putting off pleasures now that I might not have in the future. I asked her how she's changed. Basically not wasting time with anything that doesn't give her pleasure. She is a very blunt person.

As for the lessons learned from cancer, I still am too much in cancerland to sort out my feelings. As many of you have recently said of your own experiences (hello Alli), I am not glad I had cancer and I am suspicious of those that say they are. Maybe they mean that they are happy that they are alive. That I can understand.. There is a book out there "How cancer made me a shallower person" that I want to read. Unfortunately the author is dead. Cancer made her a dead person. One of my favorite blogs is 'positives about negatives." She has put together alot of the research about triple negative breast cancer in one place. One person on the met boards (I feel guilty reading these as I fortunately do not belong)took issue with the name. She is dying from TNBC and obviously can find nothing positive about 'the negative'. As for the 'positives' (estrogen negative vs estrogen positive breast cancer) there are two: you don't have to take nasty anti-estrogen medication and if you survive 3 years, you're home free whereas the positives have to sweat it out longer. Of course the catch is that in the first 3 years, the chances of mets are much higher and tend to go in more dangerous places such as the brain and lungs instead of the bone. Also the average survival time of those with TNBC mets is exactly half of that of estrogen positives.

In my advanced French class, we had to read Voltaire's Candide. As it was written in 18th century French, it was not an easy read. In the story, all sorts of gruesome disasters befall Candide but he is continually reminded by his mentor Dr. Pangloss that all is for the best as they live in the best of all possible worlds. The book was banned for its anti-religious tone. Its message was that bad things do happen to good people and it is not for a good reason. If only life was fair...

Right before meeting me, a fox came up to within 20 feet of my friend while she was playing golf. Cool, I stupidly said. Not cool at all, it was probably rabid!

I had my own wildlife encounter today while running. An enormous hawk (got to check to make sure it wasn't a golden eagle)sat within 10 feet of me at eye level on a fence. I stopped my run (didn't want to scare it with all my arm flapping-a runner yesterday remarked to me as we passed each other that I was really flying-I thought she meant my speed but now maybe she was referring to my arm motion) to observe it. It didn't seem scared of me but it was being attacked by a red wing blackbird whose body was maybe one twentieth its size. I have been attacked by them too-they will defend their nest to their death. It attacks by fluffing up my hair with its claws. Now that I don't have hair (or damn little)that would even be less fun. Those blackbirds are fearless.I did have a female cardinal the other day fly at my face veering away when she was only a foot away but I don't think she did it on purpose. Her mate begins his loud cheerful song at 5 each morning.
Birdy, birdy, birdy! Birdy, birdy, birdy! That's my wake up call. As I type this, he is right outside my window with his birdy song.

I had lots of wildlife encounters running in Italy, notably the wild boars. (cinghiale) After the first time, I researched to see how much my life was in danger as I recalled the deaths of Rachel's pathetic brothers by boars in the Thornbirds. Not much though they can gore legs. I ran almost every morning on the side of a mountain, on one side the mountain and woods, on the other a steep drop-off and farmers' fields. The boars would spend the night rooting the fields returning to the woods in the morning when I encountered them. There was a short stone retaining wall lining part of the road. I was hoping that they couldn't jump that. It was a Roman road still lined with their cryptic markers-2000 years old.

I later had a pleasant Happy Hour with Brenda. Two dollar gin and tonics and we could sit outside. The wind yesterday blew the mosquitos away but now it is calm and they can be their annoying selves. She has much more flowers than me and has several pairs of hummingbirds that routinely visit her.Then Martha came over to my house with raspberries and visited for a while. She would have brought borscht but I am not a beet fan. I don't care how good they might be for me.

It was a Farmer's Market day so I bought a few very cheap perennials to increase the diversity of my rock garden which is going to sedum and sedum. Spent almost 2 hours pulling some of it out to make room for my new purchases.

I am about to go to my cancer cooking class with Marilyn. Haven't seen her for a while so it should be fun catching up. She was diagnosed the same week as me with TNBC.