I am trying to keep busy. I am thinking that if it weren't for this thing, my life would be pretty good but I become sad when I think that I may be leaving it. Fortunately, alot of the time I forget what is happening, which surprises me as when I went through that scare 9 years ago, I was obsessed and it never left my mind. Perhaps this is being too melodramatic as after all, my tumor is small and I don't know yet all the other factors that will affect my survival. I will find some of these things tomorrow but the main ones, I won't find out until after the surgery meaning clean margins and nodal status.
Yesterday I took Naomi out to buy her umpteenth fancy dress for homecoming. She is at least paying for this one. It really is a pain shopping with her as she has specific ideas what she wants and the stores don't have it so she is frustrated. We aimlessly went all over the place for 2 hours until finally settling back to Macy's where we had gone first. But we did find the dress that would look best on her although they didn't have it in her size, so it is tight but she is happy. She needs me way more than most kids her age need their mom and I should be working harder to make her independent. She of course doesn't appreciate me at all though she does realize her dependence. I am trying to make some happy memories for her. Her senior pictures came in and
she is beautiful in them. I went to her IEP meeting Friday and at least she is doing OK in her classes. We discussed her goals about becoming more independent.
One of the 'Moms"called when I returned. I hadn't told the 'moms' yet except one of them and I wasn't even going to tell her .. I feel ashamed of the cancer-sort of like I caused it due to my bad life style choices. Also I carried on so much about that last thing, I think I have exhausted people. Also it is so awkward sometimes dealing with people who are having awlful things happen to them. You don't know what to say so you avoid them. I don't want to be shunned. My broken arm was different. It really messed up my life in the short term but everyone knew I would get better so it was OK. .
My friend made dinner for me. It was a very pretty night outside and she built a bonfire in her firepit. We drank alot of wine, had good talks, and I was able not to be too morbid.
I was supposed to go out to brunch with J today but her car broke down. We might have time for a short walk after i pick her up from the car dealer. Later Josh is having us over for dinner.
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