For white girls who considered suicide when the rainbow is not enough

I woke up this morning to find that  a friend probably killed herself (daughter was vague, sudden and unexpected were used to describe the death).

Were there signs? About two weeks ago a strange message appeared on my Facebook wall in big caps

Does anyone really care if I am alive?

Before I could answer, the message disappeared. Maybe just a  moment of despair that she thought better of later? Maybe she didn't even write it. I have known her for eleven years from the blogsphere.  We battled the same shitty type of cancer at the same time. I've met up with her twice when visiting LA. She had made me a  bracelet.  Although she had plenty to be angry about, she never said anything indicating depression She seemed hopeful and balanced. She is a mental health worker.

In the next few days more messages for various individuals to call her with her phone number written These too would disappear. I would think she would know not to put her phone number in public

On Thanksgiving, she decided to help the homeless. I am not sure if this was part of an organized effort as it seemed she was  just trolling the streets looking for someone to help. It was cold and rainy
(another LA friend confirmed that day indeed was cold..my first thought was California doesn't know what cold is).  She ended up taking 3 people home with her (a single woman, no one knew she was doing this) A twenty year old woman who had a 3 month baby in tow named Surely (Surely you Jest?) and a very frail 80 year old man who probably had TB. She fed them, let them clean up, they all watched TV together and then all went to bed though the man insisted on sleeping on the floor. She was trying to convince the woman to get medical care for the infant who had never seen a doctor but the woman  thought her baby would be taken away. The last thing she said was she took them to a shelter before another all caps message:

Would anyone else do this?

Uh no..was the general consensus. A few people asked her some questions about the experience which were never answered.

She had a grandbaby who she adored, children she was loved by and visited. She planned a trip to visit her son in Europe this spring (living in a town that I visited recently). She seemed to have zillions of friends.  Why oh why????

I last saw her about 5 years ago when she treated me for lunch in some trendy section of LA. We had a nice lunch then continued our conversation on a park bench. A homeless man sat down with us who clearly had some mental issues. I kept nervously glancing at him. Finally she whispered if the man was making me uncomfortable. Um..yeah.  We got up and she seemed really disappointed with me for my apparent intolerance.  We parted sort of on a off note but she apparently forgave me later.