Ten year cancerversary

The kids are back in school: Grades 5,3,2,1 and now kindergarten. Although she is young for kindergarten, I'm sure she is the tallest kid by far

my friend sent some ride photos recently. Me on a bridge to Ohiopyle. Years ago when I was pregnant with Josh, I walked across this bridge. It was missing railings and several floor boards

We recently went to a neighbor's tailgate in the biggest house in the neighborhood. Loved their fireworks hanging lights

Not only they have an outdoor bar complete with grill and TV, they have a pool, a putting green and a hot tub

Their indoor bar was quite nice full of high end liquors

All the kids on Labor Day

with our kids so 9 descendants

Wasp eating spider that fascinated our guests

Maya on the first day of school

Oliver, Tessa and Daniel

view of my flower bedroom

I went to get this but declined as it is too heavy, too beat up and too turquoise

got this stained glass mirror/jewelry holder instead

Allie excitedly waiting for the bus

They went to an apple orchard: one looks like a mini Josh, the other a mini Julie

no public school for her yet but she likes to pretend to write. Unlike her sister, she is a righty. One third o my grandbabies are lefties

Ten years have passed since a routine mammogram picked up a probable tumor. Such a shock! I was trying to question the radiologist whether there could be a benign explanation for this grape sized mass  that appeared on the follow up ultrasound and she would impatiently sigh that someone

would be so stupid to waste her time.   never saw her again.  The news kept getting worse. Unlike most breast cancers in women my age, I had the very aggressive subtype triple negative which meant chemo. I immediately read all that I could finding words like lethal, deadly, aggressive...so unfair that I was going to die at an early age. By the time I had surgery to remove the tumor, it had doubled in size and a new tumor sprouted. Thus I had to have a second surgery. Nowadays, they will immediately see if they have 'good margins' before closing you up but they didn't have that option then. I had a few sentinel nodes removed but they were negative though TNBC has a nasty habit of bypassing the nodes and spreading through the blood system so still a chance that it had spread.

Chances were that I was not going to die.  According to the computer program, I had a 50 % chance of surviving 10 years if I didn't have chemo; 70% chance if I did. 5% of women my age die before they are 65 of other causes. Still a 30% chance of dying didn't sound good to me and I obsessed about it nightly. And chemo was no picnic even though I was 'lucky' that I never had to be hospitalized due to secondary infections. I gamely tried to run until my red blood count was too low to carry enough oxygen for more than a long walk.  16 weeks of chemo administered every other Tuesday. * weeks of the 'red devil' that caused bloody noses, moth sores, constant queasiness and severe fatigue. Taxol caused neuropathic bone pain and some of my toe nails to fall off. I kept the fingernails but they were discolored and covered with lines.

A social worker once asked if losing my hair was the worst aspect of my stay in Cancerland? Not even close. Becoming bald was the cherry on top of a shit sundae. No, the unfairness of an early, painful death topped that. How nice would it be not to have cancer? How lucky everyone else is that aren't dealing with this? So my mind spun. And little things would upset me. People telling me that everything will be OK. Well nice sentiment but to me, it trivialized my condition. It seemed no one would look at me any more. Am I so hideous? I descended into a cloud of negativity for a year or so.

I lost my hair right before a Christmas party on schedule. Suddenly my hair seemed painfully heavy. I took some scissors and cut it short. Still it weighed too much. Such a strange sensation. My scalp was very sensitive. Water in the shower that was comfortable to my back would burn my scalp. And it was very sensitive to cold too. I got a 'scalp prosthesis' i e wig. Unknowing people would say that they liked what I did with my hair, it looks so much better. It's plastic.

Well I am alive. TNBC comes back sooner than later so I am well past the time of recurrences. Still whatever caused me to get it in the first place probably is still there so I am not completely off the hook for a new primary. I've had some false alarms which were so terrifying and expensive to follow up. I don't spend much time thinking about cancer. I do go to the survivor cooking class to make sure my diet isn't part of the cause. And almost 3 years ago, I had my chest reconstructed to correct some of the asymmetry and many cross-crossing scars I had. Still have some scars but you'd have to look at my nude body very carefully to find them. Bonus: I don't really need to wear a bra as I have a chest now of a 12 year old. And I am no longer fat so yay for that.

Summer continues to plague me with hot temps and humidity making running a chore. The kids are in school. Still need to completely plan our trip but I keep running into roadblocks.