Ten years ago

This is my mom on her wedding day She died 9-29-07

I went with friends on a 30 mile fund raiser for bike trails Dark woods

The ride included a local brew at the end of the ride. I got a coffee-cream stout

Allie's 4th birthday was on the anniversary of my mother's death. She liked the mermaid sleeping bag we gave her 

Her family at the Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. Her sister still shrieks in terror just looking at me

Tessa and Allie enjoying one of the rides at the party

The vegan 'cheese' cake I made for the moms' Avocado and soaked raw cashews substituted for the cheese. Also had dates, cacao nibs, coconut, dates and lime

Ten years ago I worked my last day. No party, no good-byes just a meeting to hand over my keys and then a guard escorted me out the door and I walked the mile and a half home. There were plenty of parties for departing colleagues earlier but I was one of the last employees in my department to leave so there was no one to celebrate with. Thirty one years though on my 30th anniversary, before we knew the place would be closed they did throw a surprise party for me. That night at home, I got a call from the nursing home to say that my mom was refusing to eat or drink. Against policy, hospice spoon fed her but didn't check to see if she was actually swallowing the food. The nursing home later had to empty her cheeks so she would not choke. She also felt cold to the touch which I had noticed a few days before when I had visited. I took her outside to wheel her chair around, which she did with much energy. I had been concerned that it was hot out and she didn't have a tan so while taking her back in, I was surprised she was cold to the touch despite the heat and exercise. I went to see her the next day despite having a broken arm. Steve was at work so he couldn't drive me. A friend who owed me lots said she had plants to water. Nevermind that I had dropped a lot of plans to take her to her dying mom a few years before.  So one armed I drove to see my mother for the last time. Her face was contorted in pain, I immediately called hospice. Why aren't you here and where are the pain medications??! I was told they had left a supply for her to have when she asked for them. I reminded them that she hadn't spoken a word in 3 years. How was she to ask for them? I demanded that they come immediately and do their job. People gush all the time how wonderful hospice is but this one certainly was not. And it is associated with the same chop shop that my last two grandbabies were born at. I cringe when I hear the name of that hospital.

So they eventually medicated her which I assume depressed her breathing. She died a day and a half later. She never got to enjoy her freedom from her abusive husband.

So long ago.

Once the sun finally came up this morning, I saw I was surrounded with oranges and reds. I've been leaving before dawn on my  runs and rides mainly to avoid traffic and last week heat. Yesterday I was going to do an organized ride which started later. It was strange to watch the sun come up while I just sat there drinking my coffee. I haven't taken a break from exercising since late March when we flew to Phoenix. 

I have been busy. I went to have lunch Friday with my friend who is suffering from host versus graft disease. She was feeling a bit stronger that day. She had to cancel us getting together earlier in the week. So unfair that she goes through so much. Then off to the Mom's aka Chosen Sisters which is always fun to drink and talk well into the night. Too cool that night to sit outside. A birthday party for Allie the next day at the very noisy Chuck E. Cheese's at her request. I noticed a sign that they have stimulation free Sundays for their autistic clients. Not sure how that would work. 

By the time we started our ride, I fretted to myself that I would have been finished by now and gone farther. We were waiting for a friend of a friend who came an hour after she said she would. This person does everything in slow motion, which drives me crazy. She didn't finish the ride until 2 hours after we did and we were going very slow. But it was a perfect day and very pretty. We went through lots of parkland. The ride loops around where Josh lives. He did the same ride with me 3 years ago to discover all the trails that are near him. I went to his house afterwards to see the grandbabies. I don't even try to pick up Hannah as I evoke terror in her though yesterday I did get her to smile at me from a distance.

Although Steve's lesions have mostly healed, he continues to be in a lot of pain. Stabbing, burning, ultra sensitivity. He drives holding the shoulder harness away from his body. He has almost exhausted my gabapentin supply. He will go to the doctor's tomorrow for something stronger. It's been almost 5 weeks now.