Loneliness

These days, much time is spent with Ms. Maya

It is rare that I am by myself for much more than a day at a time. But the few times that I have been, this overwhelming, suffocating, irrational sadness has at some points has overcome me. The worse time was when I was at a meeting in San Diego before cell phones and ready computer access. Usually I have a meeting buddy or two(see situational friends: people who cling tenaciously to you in some situations but don't give you the time of day in others) but not this time. I also was staying at a hotel well away from the others. I felt so totally alone. I knew what I was feeling was totally irrational but I just could not help the tears. There is a movie Living Out Loud starring Holly Hunter whose character finds herself without friends in NYC due to a divorce and that her whole social network was dependent on her being married. Despite being surrounded by people, she is so lonely that she starts to hallucinate people saying what she wants to hear. It was confusing watching it as it it is not clear what is real and what is wishful thinking. She so desperately wanted a social connection.

When I was mulling over whether I wanted to to Italy by myself and stay in a small mountain village for almost 6 weeks with a good chance of finding myself isolated, I thought back to my extreme reaction in San Diego. I went anyway and I had no problems about feeling alone. I actually had little time to feel isolated.

In many ways, my son is like me. He needs to have people around. Usually this is not a problem as he is a friendly person who has many friends. But he is careful to make sure there is always a social support system nearby.He called last night in total misery from Mexico City. He is sick and feels totally isolated. Despite being in a luxury hotel, he feels he is surrounded by filth and crime. He has trouble breathing the thin, polluted air. He did not go to work today as he feels too weak though he is getting better. At least when I was in San Diego, I was physically healthy, at sea level, and could speak the language of the people around me. I also was not stuck there for 2 weeks.

Tomorrow is my high school reunion. I am not going. On top of me being fat, my recent eye infection, though getting better, makes me look extra hideous. I ran a route today that kept me from view most of the time.