Any attempt to assuage grief starting with the words At least should be quickly squashed.
At least it's a good cancer
At least you had those 50 years cancer-free
At least you could get pregnant
At least you had your child for x years
Now you can tell yourself all sorts of at least statements if it makes you feel better (counting your blessings would be another phrase for it) but it will never..never make anyone else feel better. What got me started on this is that my hairdresser suffered a loss recently and was told several outrageous at least statements. These did not comfort her. They either made her angry or made her sadder depending on the statement even though the intent was probably not that at all.
My hair is now carmel colored instead of white blonde with black and white roots. She managed to cut it so that I still have some waves or at least body without depending on too many hair products. If these waves go away, it will be back to the page boy pictured to the right with Steve...me before cancer. Are any of my readers old enough to remember Spoolies or Dippety-Do? Straight hair was considered a major cosmetic defect while growing up (along with being too tall and having big feet). I couldn't do much about the latter other than slouch, avoid heels, stuff my feet into too small shoes) but I could wrap my hair into spoolies, snap them shut, and sleep on these hard little nubs all over my head. The Dippety-Do made the curls last a little longer though it also made them crunchy and greasy looking. I wasn't very good at this: I would have shanks of straight hair amongst the pseudo-waves. Also I was cursed with cowlicks around my temples..those seemed to go away with chemo but give them time, maybe they will be back. Naomi has wavy hair but she will use a straightener if she has time. Julia completely wipes out all over her beautiful curls with one. Josh just has Julia cut his curls off if they start to appear. Who knows what hair Ms. Maya will have? I see straight pieces of blonde hair that in strong light seem reddish. She also has some little dark brown curls. She will be considered African-American but aside from her latte with extra milk skin, it isn't obvious that she is.
She had her 6 month check-up yesterday even though she is closer to 7 months. All is good though she had a boatload of shots, much more than any of my kids ever had. She has not continued her accelerated growth rate. According to their records, she gained less than a pound and didn't get any taller. She is now smaller than any of my kids at the same age and Daniel.( Daniel has caught up to his 18 month older brother in weight). She looks slim until you see her dimpled thunder thighs. Before the doctor visit, the public health nurse visited and tested her. She did well in her tests except one..looking for a noisy toy which she has done in the past with Naomi. The nurse is not fond of the Circle of Neglect for any amount of time but the doctor thinks it is fine for 10 minute intervals, which is about Maya's level of patience.
We went out to eat for Steve's birthday and I made him a birthday pie. He does not like cakes but he does like cherry pies.
As it was relatively warm today (24 degrees...)I ran outside before the snow was to start though the dusting already out there made things slippery around my house. We are supposed to get a inch or two. Shanna is supposed to get around a foot making her drive to the doctor's not so fun and impossible to park.
At least it's a good cancer
At least you had those 50 years cancer-free
At least you could get pregnant
At least you had your child for x years
Now you can tell yourself all sorts of at least statements if it makes you feel better (counting your blessings would be another phrase for it) but it will never..never make anyone else feel better. What got me started on this is that my hairdresser suffered a loss recently and was told several outrageous at least statements. These did not comfort her. They either made her angry or made her sadder depending on the statement even though the intent was probably not that at all.
My hair is now carmel colored instead of white blonde with black and white roots. She managed to cut it so that I still have some waves or at least body without depending on too many hair products. If these waves go away, it will be back to the page boy pictured to the right with Steve...me before cancer. Are any of my readers old enough to remember Spoolies or Dippety-Do? Straight hair was considered a major cosmetic defect while growing up (along with being too tall and having big feet). I couldn't do much about the latter other than slouch, avoid heels, stuff my feet into too small shoes) but I could wrap my hair into spoolies, snap them shut, and sleep on these hard little nubs all over my head. The Dippety-Do made the curls last a little longer though it also made them crunchy and greasy looking. I wasn't very good at this: I would have shanks of straight hair amongst the pseudo-waves. Also I was cursed with cowlicks around my temples..those seemed to go away with chemo but give them time, maybe they will be back. Naomi has wavy hair but she will use a straightener if she has time. Julia completely wipes out all over her beautiful curls with one. Josh just has Julia cut his curls off if they start to appear. Who knows what hair Ms. Maya will have? I see straight pieces of blonde hair that in strong light seem reddish. She also has some little dark brown curls. She will be considered African-American but aside from her latte with extra milk skin, it isn't obvious that she is.
She had her 6 month check-up yesterday even though she is closer to 7 months. All is good though she had a boatload of shots, much more than any of my kids ever had. She has not continued her accelerated growth rate. According to their records, she gained less than a pound and didn't get any taller. She is now smaller than any of my kids at the same age and Daniel.( Daniel has caught up to his 18 month older brother in weight). She looks slim until you see her dimpled thunder thighs. Before the doctor visit, the public health nurse visited and tested her. She did well in her tests except one..looking for a noisy toy which she has done in the past with Naomi. The nurse is not fond of the Circle of Neglect for any amount of time but the doctor thinks it is fine for 10 minute intervals, which is about Maya's level of patience.
We went out to eat for Steve's birthday and I made him a birthday pie. He does not like cakes but he does like cherry pies.
As it was relatively warm today (24 degrees...)I ran outside before the snow was to start though the dusting already out there made things slippery around my house. We are supposed to get a inch or two. Shanna is supposed to get around a foot making her drive to the doctor's not so fun and impossible to park.
2 comments:
in high school and college i LOVED dippety do!!
I often wonder if people actually stop, think before they open their mouth to speak. Do they believe these "at least" responses make the person on the receiving end feel better?
When I had my first breast removed someone said to me. Well "at least" you still have one left. Ok and what do I do with one breast??
A friend lost her baby, the stupid comment, well at least you can have another one? How do they know they can , maybe there was a problem that it's not possible.
A little thought in sensitive situations goes a long ways
People think before you speak....It will save you embarassment of being an idiot and the receiver insurmountable pain & grief...
Great topic Sue!!
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